


would you take the dive?

by bloominggays



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Oh Sehun-centric, because it's sehun's month and sehun's world and we're just living in it, this is more of a character study really, very self indulgent i must say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloominggays/pseuds/bloominggays
Summary: Sehun doesn't like the dark or the cold weather. Jongin has always been very warm but Sehun is afraid of watching their friendship burn out.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40





	would you take the dive?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scorpiorisinggg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiorisinggg/gifts).



> hey! hi! hello!
> 
> i'm bells, i suck at writing summaries and this is the first time i publish something under this tag even though i'm a sekaist since i got into k-pop. it's very hard for me to write them because their dynamics are the most important thing in my life and i'm afraid i won't ever get it right. however! quarantine got me feeling very impulsive so i wrote this in one sitting and now here we are. 
> 
> as i said on the tags, it's a sehun-centric piece and sehun's head is a bit of a mess here but he'll be okay. i hope you guys enjoy this trip inside sehun's heart and feelings. comments, kudos and suggestions are always welcome! :)
> 
> oh, the title is after a jonghyun's song called 'take the dive' because april is also jjong's month! and the lyrics match the mood of this fic really well.
> 
> (this fic is a gift for my beloved lilly. for constantly being the sehun to my jongin, for giving me strenght and courage and for never letting go of my hand)

Sehun wakes up to a day just like all other days. He gets out of bed while his brain is still figuring out how to function and tries to wash his sleep off in a long, warm shower. After many, many minutes, he leaves the bathroom clean, completely awake and wearing his favorite white t-shirt and pair of black pants. Cliché as it sounds, now all he needs is a cup of coffee to finally feel human and ready to face the day.

Five minutes later, with a mug in his hand and feeling more like an actual person, Sehun takes a look outside and the view makes him want to crawl back to bed. The weather is a bit chilly and the world looks rather grey. He doesn't hate it but it's not his favorite either. He misses the sun. 

When Sehun's phone buzzes, he's not surprised. It happens everyday, too. His best friend is waiting for him just outside his room. Instead of replying to the text message, he grabs another mug, fills it with coffee and shouts: "Come in!"

Jongin enters the room quietly and closes the door behind him, walking towards the armchair close to the window. His warm aura quickly takes over the whole place and Sehun wonders how does he do that every single goddamn time.

"You know you can just knock on the door like normal people do, right?" Sehun asks, handing Jongin a mug filled with coffee. He stands still in front of Jongin, sipping from his own mug and staring at his best friend with an eyebrow raised.

"I know, but you're more likely to pay attention to your phone than to your door," Jongin explains, smug smirk on his lips. Sehun rolls his eyes and heads back to the small kitchen counter. 

“Are you hungry?” he asks, completely out of habit. Jongin is always hungry and even when Sehun is the one to stop by his friend’s place, he usually has to cook. Before Jongin could answer, Sehun was already breaking two eggs inside the frying pan. 

Jongin tilts his head to Sehun’s direction, eyes widening like a child’s. “Well, yes.”

“Then open the window”, Sehun requests. “I don’t want my apartment smelling like eggs.”

Jongin inhales as a dumb joke crosses his mind. He laughs to himself but remains mute, getting up to open the window as his best friend asked. It’s too early in the morning to piss Sehun off. 

They eat together, watch the news together and and even brush their teeth together because, yes, Jongin lives right across the hall, but he has a toothbrush at Sehun’s place too. Just in case. Turns out that everyday is the case because he’s there all the time. That’s how things are since they were high school kids, no use changing it now. 

Then they leave together, each to their respective classroom, just to meet again for lunch and part for their afternoon classes. Sometimes they go to the library to study together, keeping each other silent company. Sometimes they go out to drink with their friends. Sometimes they just go each to his own room because one of the best things about their friendship is that there’s always enough room for them to breathe. 

Even though it’s friday, today is one of those days when Sehun and Jongin wish each other a good night on the hallway and leave to their own apartments. As Sehun enters, he takes off his shoes and turns all the lights on immediately. Maybe he’s too old to hate the dark as much as he does but it’s not something he can control and it’s also the least of his worries right now.

Outside the building, many students are still chatting but their noise disappears when Sehun turns the TV on. He tries to pay attention to the news while making dinner but his mind keeps drifting off to a conversation he heard between Jongin and Baekhyun during lunch.

They were all sitting together, the five of them. And they were unusually silent but sometimes, once in a blue moon, this kind of thing can happen, especially when it was cold. 

Jongin’s phone buzzed on the table and he smiled to whatever notification he saw, quickly showing it to Baekhyun, who was sitting on his left. Sehun sat right in front of them and wasn’t really paying attention but couldn’t help but hear since everyone else was oddly quiet. 

“So,” Jongin almost whispered to Baekhyun. “This guy from senior year is taking a few Art History classes with us. I offered to help him and we exchanged phones, right? Everything was pretty normal until yesterday night, when he just started flirting with me out of the blue.”

Sehun felt uneasy but didn't interrupt, thoughts already racing to many different places. 

“Is he cute?” was all Baekhyun asked. 

“I don’t know?”

Baekhyun scoffed. “How can you not know? It’s not a hard question.”

“He’s okay, I guess. I don’t know! I haven’t thought much about it.” 

Jongin looked like he regretted telling his friend about the guy and Sehun wanted to laugh. He used to have some guesses about Jongin’s sexuality but everytime they talked about it, the conversation went nowhere. Unlike Sehun, who always knew who he was and what he wanted, Jongin was still on his way to find out a lot of things -- his sexuality was one of them. To his own safety, though, Sehun had done a pretty good job convincing himself that Jongin was, indeed, straight; so nothing could ever come from _there_.

“Okay,” Baekhyun replied and threw Jongin another question. “Are you interested in him?”

“No.”

Jongin’s reply was immediate and Sehun was ashamed to feel so relieved.

“Because he’s not interesting or because he’s a guy?”

Sehun held his breath. Why Kyungsoo or Chanyeol hadn’t interrupted this dumb conversation yet was a mystery to him but he didn’t want to be the one to demonstrate just how much he was paying attention. He exhaled slowly and took a sip from his tea. 

Jongin’s cheeks and ears were red and Baekhyun was grinning, clearly amused with his friend’s embarrassment. That boy could be such a monster sometimes. 

“He is interesting,” Jongin said, trying to avoid Baekhyun’s eyes by staring dumbly at his empty plate. “Just not that kind of interesting. I-- it’s not because he’s a man.”

At the same time that a shiver ran down Sehun’s spine, Baekhyun let out a loud laugh that made Chanyeol and Kyungsoo finally look at them, the former had been strangely mute and Sehun took a mental note to talk to him later and ask what was wrong. 

“You guys!” Baekhyun chimed and pointed at Jongin. “This boy… I think he might be gay!”

“I always knew,” Sehun finally spoke, smiling like there wasn’t a hurricane inside his stomach turning his feelings inside out. 

Utter betrayal, that’s what Sehun feels right now. Not because of Jongin, but because he fell asleep on that awful armchair and let the brownies he made after dinner burn. And maybe because of Jongin, too. Just a little. 

While he throws the ruined brownies in the trash and washes the tray, all Sehun can think of is Jongin talking about his feelings towards a man with anyone that’s not him. His best friend, of all people! Yes, of course Sehun would be jealous but there’s no way Jongin would know, no one knows how Sehun feels and he’s actually quite proud of how good he is at hiding it. So good no one on that table noticed how many times his stupid heart had been broken and fixed during their lunch. 

After the uncomfortable nap Sehun took, it’s hard to fall asleep and it’s doesn’t matter how tired his body feels, his thoughts can’t give him rest. Scenarios of him and Jongin getting together paint and dissolve themselves over and over, just like many different storylines where Sehun confesses and Jongin says he could never correspond. In some of them, Jongin says they can still be friends. Others are more dramatic and Sehun is left alone under a heavy rain or in some dark place -- something he knows Jongin wouldn’t do when it comes to real life.

 _Maybe I should call him_ , he thinks and gives up right away. Call Jongin and talk about what? Ask him if he really likes men? That’s not right and that’s also not the point. Sehun knows why he’s upset but he knows Jongin, he trusts him. If he didn’t come to Sehun, there must have been a reason. Right? 

It’s been a while since the last time Sehun prayed but something inside him asked him to so he closes his eyes and asks for patience. And clarity, too. Not just for him, but for Jongin as well. _May he be able to find himself._

A sudden serenity washes over Sehun and he slowly falls asleep, the smell of burned brownies and unrequited feelings still bugging him in the back of his mind. 

Sehun wakes up to a few missed calls from Chanyeol. There’s also several text messages with just variations of Sehun’s name in them because, apparently, Chanyeol could never get to the point. Still, he felt guilty for forgetting to ask his friend if there was something wrong so he does it now, typing his guilt away. 

  
  


**_11:23 am_ **

_Hyung, are you alright?_

**_11:24 am_ **

_yes, why_

**_11:24 am_ **

_You were too quiet yesterday and… did you forget how many texts you sent me few hours ago?_

**_11:25 am_ **

_i’m fine. kyungsoo and i had a fight yesterday but it’s all good now~_

_BUT THERE’S A PARTY AT MINSEOK’S TONIGHT_

_YOU COMING?_

**_11:26 am_ **

_Wait._

_Is that why you called me so many times?_

**_11:26_ **

_YES!!!!_

**_11:27 am_ **

_Convince me._

**_11:27 am_ **

_jonginnie is going…_

Sehun lets out a miffed sigh and rolls over in bed. He has never told anyone about his feelings for Jongin but if someone is able to see them, that’s Chanyeol. He has never made Sehun confess or talk about it, really, he’s actually very nice but he’s always seen right through Sehun’s facade, God knows how. 

**_11:29 am_ **

_Good for him but I’m not glued to him, you know_

**_11:30 am_ **

_you actually are_

**_11:31 am_ **

_Shut up._

**_11:32 am_ **

_see you at minseok’s, 9 o'clock :)_

Coincidentally, a text from Jongin arrives, asking Sehun if he’s going to that stupid party. There’s no reason for him not to go, he just hates the idea of being predictable and a small, petty part of him feels like not going just so he won’t give Chanyeol the satisfaction of being right about him once again. 

Sehun rubs his eyes in annoyance and decides that taking a shower is more important than telling Jongin that yes, he is going to Minseok’s party later. 

The hot water and the steam usually help him clear his thoughts but today they’re just suffocating him, clouding his judgement and making him uncomfortable. Sehun leaves the bathroom sooner than he thought he would and forcibly admits that maybe, just maybe, that conversation between Jongin and Baekhyun messed with him more than he told himself it did. 

Lying naked in bed and feeling rather stupid, he texts Jongin back. Free drinks and his best friend who he’s been in love with for literal years… what could possibly go wrong? 

The sun is setting when Sehun hears a knock on his door. It’s probably Jongin bringing tons of clothes for them to dress up to the party together. He sits on his bed and grabs his phone just to make it look like he wasn’t in his pajamas staring at the ceiling until five seconds ago. “It’s unlocked!”

The door opens and reveals Jongin with two paper bags and dressed in at least four coats because he can’t just carry those in his arms like anyone else would do. He looks impossibly dumb and Sehun laughs at the sight, heart caving in a little because, unfortunately, he’s very much in love. 

“I know it’s unlocked, I’m only being polite,” Jongin says as he heads to Sehun’s bed to drop his clothes over it. “Tried knocking today to see if you were paying attention.”

“You sound just like my mom,” Sehun complains. “And you look like you robbed a thrift shop.”

Jongin laughs, taking off coat by coat. “You’re making fun of me now but I know soon you’ll be talking about how my clothes allegedly look better on you than on me.”

Sehun shrugs. “They really do, though.”

For a short second, Jongin’s expression is unreadable. And then it’s back to its usual dimples and eye smile. “We’ll see,” he replies. 

After a few minutes, there are clothes spread all over Sehun’s kitnet, except for his tiny kitchen. Jongin and him look around themselves trying to picture different outfits. Sehun thinks he saw Jongin stealing glances at him but it’s probably just his imagination because there’s no reason why his best friend would do that -- they have spent way too much time staring at each other in all those years of friendship. 

“I brought your favorite jacket,” Jongin’s voice is low, almost like a whisper and Sehun quivers under his skin. 

“The fake leather one?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you bring that pair of boots?” Sehun asks tentatively. They always fight over those boots but Jongin looks unusually soft today, maybe it’s worth the try. 

“No way! _I am_ wearing them tonight!”

“You never let me wear them!” Sehun immediately pouts and Jongin’s eyes narrow. 

“Don’t you dare look at me _like that_ , Sehunnie.”

Sehun frowns and his pout grows bigger. It’s too cute for anyone to handle and Jongin avoids looking at his best friend, turning his back to grab the jacket he brought for Sehun and throw it at him clumsily. “The jacket or the boots, you choose!”

“Fine!” Sehun whines as he takes the jacket before it hits his face. “I’ll take the jacket.”

Jongin turns to him again, his smile all teeth and gums and a different kind of warmth reaches his eyes. “It looks really good on you.”

For some reason, the compliment makes Sehun blush. It’s not the first time he hears that but it did hit different now, he can’t really grasp why. 

They’re taking turns to look in the mirror and Sehun is really proud of himself. Not that he’s wearing anything different, he isn’t; it’s just a pair of skinny jeans, white t-shirt and his black oxford shoes. It’s just that he looks good without trying too hard, thank God for this face. He smiles to himself and when he looks to the mirror, he sees Jongin right behind him, grinning for no reason at all.

“Why are you so happy all of the sudden?”

Jongin blinks and shakes his head lightly, as though something startled him. “It’s nothing.”

Sehun raises an eyebrow. “So you were smiling like someone had just given you 10 pounds of fried chicken for no reason?”

“Exactly,” Jongin replies, raising an eyebrow back at Sehun. “Now will you let me see how I look?”

 _Something seems off today_ , Sehun thinks as he gives his friend space to check his outfit in the mirror. He quietly observes him for a few seconds before sitting back on the bed. Knowing and hearing how Jongin is admiring himself in front of the mirror, Sehun would rather be looking at him instead of his phone screen but nowadays he’s afraid Jongin will read him easily, especially after yesterday. Jongin hasn’t mentioned the _incident_ yet and Sehun wants to, but doesn’t know how. _Hi, so, are you really into guys? Have you finally found out what the hell do you like? Could I, possibly, be one of your options?_

“Sehunnie! Sehun!” Jongin’s voice brings him back from his annoying inner dialogue. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t know how to answer _that_. Instead, he looks at his phone and notices that the time is the perfect excuse not to talk about himself. “Hi! Are you ready? We should go.”

For a split second it looks like Jongin is about to say something as Sehun gets up to leave but nothing is said and a rare, awkward silence falls between them. Sehun then does what he’s best at: smiles cutely at Jongin and makes an effort to break the ice between them. “Ah, why are you looking at me with that long face of yours?”

Jongin’s expression softens. “It’s not a long face, I was just worried.”

“I’m worried too!” Sehun retorts. “I’m worried we’ll only get there when the party’s over, let’s go.”

When they leave Sehun’s place, the atmosphere around them is lighter but Sehun can feel something is wrong and, if he knows Jongin as well as he thinks he does, his best friend feels the same way. At the same time that he knows they’ll eventually talk it through, Sehun can’t help but wonder how many talks they have left until he ends up exposing himself and his feelings. 

They take the subway and their way to Minseok’s house is filled with conversation: about their classes and colleagues, about the news, about the mangas they’ve been reading together, about everything and anything, really, because it’s that easy and, for that, Sehun is thankful. He just wishes he had an opportunity to talk about _that_ subject, that incident without sounding insane or, at the very least, weird. 

When Chanyeol opens the door to greet them with a wide smile, Sehun is not at all surprised. 

“Sorry, wrong house!” Jongin jokes and tries to turn around but Chanyeol is already drunk, as expected, and engulfs him in a hug like they haven’t seen each other in years and not just a bit more than 24 hours. Sehun sneaks in beside them and finds all his friends sitting on the living room talking between themselves like the dumb introverts they are. Minseok is the only one who’s not there -- he’s probably walking around the house trying to be a good host.

As a dumb introvert himself, Sehun gets a can of beer in the kitchen and joins his friends, sitting between Jongdae and Chanyeol. It’s been a while since the 9 of them were together and that thought alone is enough to make him happy to just sit and watch his friends in silence. 

Once again, Sehun thinks he saw Jongin glancing at him a few times but, honestly, there are so many things going on inside his head that he’s probably just projecting or imagining things. And as he drinks his third or fourth beer, Sehun is able to admit (to himself only) that he’d love it if Jongin were stealing glances and watching him, which he wasn’t. 

“Sehunnie,” a familiar voice called him. It was Junmyeon from behind the couch and Sehun looks back at him. 

“Yes?”

“Is everything alright? You’re so quiet today.”

Everyone around them is talking (you’ll find out that introverts can be very loud around each other) and Sehun is a bit too drunk to think about his response. “Yes! No. But yes!” And he smiles, satisfied with himself for giving an honest answer. Still, Junmyeon looks at him very confused. 

“Yes or no?”

“Both!” Sehun aggressively shakes his head to make his point clear and Junmyeon bursts into laughter in response. As Chanyeol gets up to bring them more beer, Junmyeon sits on the couch beside Sehun. 

“Are you really alright?”

“No,” Sehun answers. “But everything is okay.”

Junmyeon ponders and silently agrees. To Sehun, that's a sign that he's still making sense despite the alcohol. Thinking very high of himself for that, he decides that, maybe, he deserves more beer… as a treat. 

“I’m happy, hyung.” Sehun says simply. “I missed us being together like this.”

Junmyeon watches as his friends yell at each other and make the whole party look at them in both embarrassment and amusement. “Me too, Sehunnie. Now is not the time but if you ever feel like talking… you know, right?”

Sehun looks at his friend and it’s almost like he’s sober. He knows. “Thank you, hyung. I know.”

Minseok’s parties are usually uneventful because everyone is really scared of him. Even though drinks are free, people are scared to get too drunk and do something Minseok will make them regret later so they just… behave. As much as drunk people in their early twenties can. 

Sehun is still drunk as he gets inside a car with Jongin, who’s also drunk. And Sehun, poor Sehun, he usually wouldn’t feel so many things in a situation like that because he’s been in much smaller places with Jongin but right now he doesn’t know how many beers he drank and he’s dying to know about that _thing_. That thing that he promised himself he wouldn’t talk about. But it leaves his mouth before he can even think it through.

“So you like guys now,” he says bluntly. Jongin looks at him like he has a watermelon where his head is. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Baekhyun said yesterday at lunch… you like guys now. He said you’re gay.”

Sehun should’ve really thought this through because he isn’t ready for whatever it is that Jongin might tell him. Notes to self: less beer next time. 

“I do like guys now,” Jongin doesn’t even stutter and Sehun’s heart stops. He looks at Jongin with wide eyes and he thinks, he thinks those are tears threatening to roll down his face but he’s better than that. He has to be. What should he say now?

“I like guys too.”

“I know,” Sehun can tell that Jongin is holding his breath. Why is he holding his breath? Why is everything so hot so suddenly? “I was the first one to know, remember?”

Of course he remembers, he was so afraid of losing his best friend but he was even more afraid of being untrue to himself so he had to tell. Sehun just had to tell and Jongin just held his hand said it was okay and made Sehun feel very stupid for ever thinking that his Jongin would leave him for something like that. Not _his_ best friend. But now it’s different, isn’t it? Now the air around them is thick and it feels as though the earth has stopped spinning. Sehun’s head, on the other hand… 

“I do,” he says anyways. “Why didn’t _you_ tell me?”

Is that panic flashing on Jongin’s expression? It’s dark inside the car and the street lights aren’t enough, the alcohol makes it hard to understand what’s going on and Sehun isn’t that drunk but he’s drunk enough to be disoriented. And feelings can get you high as well, he’s finding out now.

Silence grows and Jongin inhales loudly but it takes him a long second before he speaks. 

“I don’t know.” 

Jongin is a terrible liar. Sehun wants to punch him but he also wants to kiss him and, he ponders while Jongin watches him, both are equally doable and he can just excuse himself in the morning after, saying he's had too many beers.

His gaze meets Jongin’s and there’s something about those eyes… something that’s been there since they were trying on outfits for today, something that intrigues him because, in all those years, it was never there but now it is. It looks like longing because he’s seen that same look on his own face many times but how could it be? 

Jongin’s still watching Sehun when the driver tells them they have arrived. They get out of the car and walk towards their building without saying a word and it was a kind of silence none of them had experienced before. They enter the hall and go inside the elevator and Sehun wonders who the hell thought that living in the same building and the same floor as Jongin was a good idea. Ah yes, he did. Because it is a good idea on every other moment that isn’t tonight.

When they leave the elevator, Sehun is afraid something between them might break if they go home like this. He never thought their relationship would look as fragile as it does now and he wants to punch and kiss Jongin at the same time but he does nothing instead. 

Sehun thinks he hears Jongin mumble “I’m sorry” but his best friend is already on the way to his own apartment when Sehun tries to say something. Maybe the timing isn’t right, he thinks as he opens his door. 

Sehun doesn’t cry. It’s past 3 in the morning and he doesn’t feel dizzy anymore. His blood is still buzzing from the alcohol but there’s no rush; only a heavy silence. _Coward_ , he thinks to himself. Brave enough to speak but not to open up and do something. Brave enough to confront but not to ask the right questions. Just not brave enough. 

He’s about to go to bed when someone knocks on his door and Sehun doesn’t need to ask to know who it is. It’s 4 in the morning and he feels dizzy again but it’s not because he’s drunk. It’s excitement and fear and hope all together. 

“Come in,” he says, voice so low he’s afraid Jongin didn’t hear him but the door opens up and Jongin looks like a trainwreck: eyes puffy and face red from crying, makeup only partly removed, hair completely messy and that thing Sehun noticed earlier is now stamped all over Jongin’s face, it’s hard not to recognize. And yes, it is longing. 

Jongin doesn’t close the door behind him before he makes his way towards Sehun, who’s once again sitting on his bed unable to move.

“I like men,” Jongin says as stops in front of Sehun, who doesn’t know what to say so he just nods, too afraid to move and scare Jongin away. “The reason why I didn’t tell you before is because-- because you are a man-- I mean,” he keeps stuttering and Sehun can’t really understand anything that’s going on but his heart is racing inside his chest, loud enough to echo through the room. 

“Sehunnie,” Jongin calls, his whole body is trembling and Sehun tries to remember but he doesn’t think he has ever seen Jongin look as vulnerable as he does now.

“Yes?” Sehun wants to get up, he swears he wants to but his legs are failing him.

“I lied to you when I said I didn’t know why I didn’t tell you that I also like men,” there are tears streaming down Jongin’s face and Sehun wants to kiss them, wipe them, make them all disappear. It has been so long since the last time he saw Jongin cry. “And the reason why I lied-- the reason why I lied is that-- I realized-- that what I didn’t like about other men and other people in general, really, is that they aren’t you.”

_Oh?_

_Oh._

Jongin stands still in silence, chest rising and falling from his heavy breathing. Sehun isn’t far, he’s just a few centimeters away but realization takes time so Jongin waits. He waits as Sehun reminds himself to breathe, then to move, then to get up and take that one step to close the distance between them. 

“Since when?” Sehun asks and those stupid tears are threatening to fall from his eyes again but he won't let them. 

Jongin blinks twice before replying. “Since always.”

 _Well, now he’s just stealing my lines._ “That’s a lie,” he accuses and Jongin smiles softly, reaching out for Sehun’s hand.

“Only half a lie,” Jongin explains. “These feelings have always been there. I didn’t know what they were.”

“You had two girlfriends,” Sehun grimaces at the memories. To this day, he doesn’t know how the hell he survived those times.

“It’s called bisexuality.”

“We’re labeling it?”

Jongin laughs and it’s the best thing Sehun has ever heard. “Yes, we are.”

Sehun feels his face stinging and realizes it’s because he can’t stop smiling. Jongin’s hands are holding his and the world is still spinning and the sun will still shine tomorrow and nothing has changed but nothing will ever be the same. 

“So how did you know I liked you back?” Sehun inquires and Jongin beams with happiness.

“I didn’t,” he’s not lying and Sehun loves the sound of honesty. “I had no idea. You just seemed pretty hurt when we got here after the party and I hate lying to you.”

“There’s also the fact that you’re a terrible liar…”

Jongin laughs again because right now everything sounds like a good reason to burst into laughter. “I know! I’m sorry I was a coward. It won’t happen again.”

Coward is such an ugly word, Sehun thinks. He’s not using it again and he doesn’t want to see Jongin use it to talk about himself either. “You are not a coward. And I am sorry for questioning you earlier, in the car. I should have waited for you to tell me.”

Sehun can see himself in Jongin’s eyes and he looks pretty much in love, it’s awful. He loves it. He also sees the shift in Jongin’s face: from pure adoration to worry. “Don’t be sorry. First of all, we were still drunk -- I kind of still am, I think. And then, well… I deserved it and you acting up brought us here, so, yeah.”

Silence falls between them once again but now it’s not heavy and it doesn’t hurt. They’re still facing each other, holding hands like children do and looking at each other’s face trying to memorize this moment, engrave it somewhere sacred inside their hearts. 

Sehun looks at Jongin as if someone is gonna take him away if he blinks for too long. It’s like he forgot that they’ve been side by side for years. That Jongin lives right across the hall. That he had, in fact, confessed just a few minutes ago. Sehun looks at Jongin like he’s a figment of his imagination because Sehun is used to yearning and daydreaming but it seems like reality is being good to him for once. Reality, he thinks, looks beautiful with a crinkled eye smile and dimples and golden skin and oh, those lips. They’re rosy and plump and soft and he’s afraid he might combust if those lips ever touch his. But he doesn’t.

And when Jongin finally kisses him, because Sehun, of course, is lost in thoughts, it has no haste or desperation. Just like everything else between them, there is room to breathe -- even if Sehun feels like there’s no air entering his lungs as Jongin’s tongue licks against his own. 

And when their bodies come closer and closer, Sehun laughs at his poor imagination because his brain couldn’t possibly come up with a feeling as good as that when he can feel Jongin’s accelerated heartbeat in his chest. It’s insanely human and Sehun, who so often wishes he could just disappear for some time, is glad to exist in this body of his. He wouldn’t change it for the world. 

They have shared the bed many times before but not like this. To Sehun, it was always a bit of a torture and, to Jongin, a pocket full of confusion. This time is definitely better, even though Sehun’s bed is not that big. 

Sunlight’s already making its way into the room when Sehun finally falls asleep. Happiness kept him awake while Jongin snored beside him. It may sound sappy, but Sehun likes it. There are very little things he dislikes at the moment, to be honest. To him, everything is okay for now. Even this goddamn autumn, Sehun doesn’t mind it anymore. It’s a bit chilly and he knows it’s gonna be another grey day outside but none of it matters now. He’s got a sun of his own.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! <3 if you want to, you can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/bluewangjis).


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